Tuesday, November 22, 2011

New Day Co-op

SLUGLINE: Michael Jordan plays the Stringer Bell role in uniting the NBA Owners against the NBPA.


          INT. CONFERENCE ROOM, EXECUTIVE INN -- NIGHT

          Sterile overhead lighting.  Beige-ish walls.  Carpet no one
          could ever care about treking dirt in on.  As nondescript as
          a conference room can get.

          On most days, you'd see a PowerPoint presenation if you
          walked in.  On some weekend nights, a small wedding
          reception.

          Tonight?  It's MICHAEL JORDAN at the podium, infront of the
          30 NBA TEAM OWNERS and the NBA Comissioner, DAVID STERN.

          Jordan (40s) would be a bit of an oddity at the table and is
          even moreso of one taking charge of the ongoings- he didn't
          make his money as the rest of the owners did but wants,
          above all else, to be part of that world.  To rise above his
          playing days.  To be accepted as a peer by those who used to
          cut his checks.

                              MICHAEL JORDAN
                    Uhh, call to order an' shit.  The chair 
                    recognize the esteemed Dan Gilbert.

          Gilbert- late 40s/early 50s, a lover scorned, from the mold
          of the protagonist of that Carrie Underwood song about

          not acting in a reasonable fashion when cheated, owner of a
          terrible Cleveland franchise which was subservient to a
          prima donna for seven long years.

                              DAN GILBERT
                    Alright look.  We done talk this
                    shit to death, alright?  When we
                    go'n' vote?

                              DAVID STERN
                    Gilbert do have a point.

          Stern- late 60s/early 70s, uses a contentious and lying
          manner with the players as a backbone of a life spent
          defending rich people's wallets,

          has neither the time nor the inclination to explain himself
          to a man -- a reporter, a TV show host, Dwyane Wade -- who
          he feels gets his stories or pay from the league he oversees
          and then questions his own way of finding ten different ways to
          say 'fuck off' to anyone making an inquiry into his immoral
          actions,

          would rather you just say thank you, and go on your way,
          otherwise, he suggests you become a job creator and buy a
          team,

          either way, he doesn't give a damn about the fans.

                              MICHAEL JORDAN
                    A'ight then.  All those in favor of
                    goin' together so we can get them
                    players to give up billions over
                    the next ten years to cover for the
                    red in the books ya'll in Indiana
                    and Sacramento show, 'stead of us
                    figurin' out a rev'nue sharin'
                    system 'mongst ourselves, raise up.

          The owners, almost one by one, all raise their hands up. 
          Stern looks at Jordan and nods apporvingly at the monster
          behind the podium he helped create.

                              MICHAEL JORDAN
                    A'ight then.  Look like we goin'
                    make more money.  Together.

                              DAVID STERN
                    Gotta say I'm proud of ya'll for
                    putting aside petty grievances
                    and... puttin' this thing
                    together.  For a cold ass crew of
                    Republicans ya'll carried it like
                    gangsters and shit.

          Small chuckles and head nods around the room.

                              MICHAEL JORDAN
                    Ya'll remember man, talk this shit
                    up when you hit them reporters out
                    on the pavement.  Best way to get
                    more buyin' this here fantasy tale 
                    we spinnin' is to tell people 'bout
                    the benefits as we see 'em without
                    mentionin' how we be parlayin' and
                    scheming our ballas.  No beefin',
                    no drama, just business.  Yo Herb,
                    you want to be on equal economic
                    footing with them Knicks?  Ain't no
                    need to go spinnin' stories.  We
                    gotchyo' back, man.  Anybody got
                    problems with anybody else here,
                    you bring it to the group, we ain't
                    got to take it to the 'porters and
                    sources.  Alright.  Let's do it.

          Jordan steps back from the podium as the rest of the owners
          smile back and forth at each other, patting themselves on
          the back for such a move of unwarranted aggression.

          Jordan approaches his team's General Manager, RICH CHO,
          seated against the wall, writing on a legal pad.

                              MICHAEL JORDAN
                    Yo.

          Cho looks up.  Jordan takes a look at the pad-

                              MICHAEL JORDAN
                    Motherfucker what is that?

                              RICH CHO
                    Them rules say we gotta have
                    minutes for a meetin', right? 
                    These the minutes.

                              MICHAEL JORDAN
                    Nigga is you takin' notes on a
                    criminal fucking conspiracy?

          Jordan rips the legal pad away from Cho-

                              MICHAEL JORDAN
                    Fuck is you thinkin', man?

          Jordan crumples the paper up, still shaking his head in
          disgust.  Behind him, Robert Sarver approaches.

          Sarver- 50s, owner of the Suns (a franchise that had to sell
          valuable draft picks and trade players for essentially
          nothing during the rise of their popularity and success
          because of a total void of any respectable revenue sharing
          between teams), a to-that-point-of-the-timeline hardliner
          about not agreeing to any new CBA proposal that didn't
          ensure a proper distribution of the league's revenue.

                              ROBERT SARVER
                    'sup, Air?

          Jordan looks at him and loudly breathes out his nose.

                              ROBERT SARVER
                    A crim'nal fuckin'
                    conspiracy?  You don't think-

                              MICHAEL JORDAN
                    What?

                              ROBERT SARVER
                    Ain't that a bit too...
                    exagerratin' and pont'f'cating?

                              MICHAEL JORDAN
                    You ignorant?  We already makin'
                    money, and now we're hard pushing
                    for a deal that takes 3.4 billion
                    dollars from them over ten years? 
                    We robbin' them bitches blind!

                              ROBERT SARVER
                    Oh the most of most definitelies.
                    Feels like hot pajamas out the dryer,
                    stickin' it to the players 'posed to 
                    continuin' negotiatin' 'tween
                    us Republicans over proper stash
                    house sharing.  But yo, my point of
                    beef was wit' you callin' us
                    criminals-

                              MICHAEL JORDAN
                    Motherfucker we stealin'!  Stealers
                    be criminals!

                              ROBERT SARVER
                    Ain't no metal on our wrists!

                              MICHAEL JORDAN
                    Motherf- Donald Sterling here is a
                    fuckin' criminal.  Had to pay five
                    million in fees to attorneys
                    workin' a case 'cusing him of
                    pushin' Blacks and Latinos out of
                    his buildin's.  Called Danny
                    Manning a 'poor Black kid'.  Was
                    sued by the motherfucking feds for
                    using racial discrimination when
                    filling his apartment buildings. 
                    Not letting non-Koreans in
                    Koreatown.  Keepin' Blacks outta
                    Beverly Hills  Said Hispanics
                    'smoke, drink and just hang around
                    the building' and that 'Black
                    tenants smell and attract vermin'. 
                    He also be a regular Hermain Cain
                    around the women.

                              DONALD STERLING
                    Don't forget: I also heckled my own
                    players from my courtside seats.

          Sterling- 70s, owner of the Clippers, wears a tuxedo, top hat
          and monocle, is an enormous piece of shit.

                              MICHAEL JORDAN
                    Motherfucker don't be reproachin'
                    and shit for that, you exercise
                    that first amendment bitch.

                              DONALD STERLING
                    I also refused to pay for my head
                    coach's prostate cancer surgery
                    because the necessary procedure was
                    out of network.

                              MICHAEL JORDAN
                    This what I'm talking about. 
                    Donald here?  Motherfucker is a
                    criminal.  We all willingly in with
                    him.  Standin' by him.  That alone
                    makes this a criminal fucking
                    conspiracy, saying nothin' of the
                    grift we gettin' on.  But if you
                    wish to keep arguin', talk to my
                    man Slim Charles here.

          SLIM CHARLES approaches from the side.  Slim- 40s, former
          enforcer for the New York Knicks, current assistant coach of
          Jordan's team, 6'9", 245 lbs, tempermental.

                              ROBERT SARVER
                    Nah, we good.  We good.

                              MICHAEL JORDAN
                    A'ight then.  Let's go bet on golf.



8 comments:

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